dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
