i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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