im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
