Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
