dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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