After last night, I could never be a politician.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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