so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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