Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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