bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
