I love having hate sex.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
