Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So. Much. Porn.
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