i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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