im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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