I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
