i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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