I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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