What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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