you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
