i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
