the condom got lost in my hair
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
