Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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