the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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