Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
