after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
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I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
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Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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