Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
