I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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