were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
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i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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