He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.