I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments