He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
