i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
