there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
