Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
