Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
