woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
