his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
