Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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