420 ftw
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
