Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
