either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
