New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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