Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
