just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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