I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
