Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
