My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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