I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
