You're my little dorito
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
areolas are like halos for boobs.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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