Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
