I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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