I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
