I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
