"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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