Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
